Queer Youth Are Five Times More Likely to Die by Suicide by Andrea Gibson
means:
You lived five times harder than you should have had to
to still have a body when you graduated high school.
means:
Hate worked five times harder
to make your spirit its wishbone.
means:
When your mother asked what was wrong,
you were five times more likely to believe you'd lose
her if you spoke the truth.
means:
You were told five times more often
you'd go to hell when you died.
means:
Burning for eternity seemed five times
more doable than another day in the school lunchroom.
means:
You were five times more inclined
to triple-padlock your diary.
means:
You were five times more likely
to stop writing your story down.
means:
I write my heart out now.
I graffiti billboards with the page of my diary
the bullies used to start the rumors.
I tie that page to the end of a kite string and run
a crooked line through the straightest mile
of the Bible Belt.
That page is a protest sign.
That page is a bandana washing
the tear gas out of my lover's eyes.
Queer youth are five times more likely to die by suicide
means:
I sneak into fascist sleepovers
and sharpie my pronouns onto the faces
of senators who voted to criminalize my kisses
when I was nineteen.
I cut the hate out of my mail
and papier-mâché Christmas ornaments
for queer couples whose parents
do not want to know their grandchildren.
I hack high school curriculums and delete
every test that does not ask what the P
in Marsha P. Johnson stands for.
I walk through graveyards with a chisel
correcting the names of trans kids
whose families said, No, when asked,
Can you just let me live?
I pace the suburbs with spray paint, editing
the welcome mats of homophobes until they all
speak the truth: that they personally burned
the roof over the heads of queer youth
are five times more likely to die by suicide
means:
There are many days I thirst for my own silence
but walk through the desert screaming instead
because I, like most of my queer friends, don't have a child
—I have millions—from Nebraska to Chechnya,
to the Baptist church where I grew up.
My pride in them is a parade I know
won't keep all of them alive, but I keep cutting
my diary into confetti to throw at their hopes
when they float by scared or furious
or laughing or in love and desperate
for the headline to say: Queer youth
are five times more likely to:
offer to walk their younger siblings home from school.
To notice the different accents of sparrows.
To find an eyelash and spend twenty minutes
trying to pick what to wish for.
Five times more likely to:
never outgrow blanket forts.
To know there is a word for the scent in the air
after it rains. To see lifelines look like telephone wires
and call a friend who's having a bad day.
Five times more likely to:
adore the last man who walked on the moon
just because he wrote his daughter's initials there.
To know there is no universe in which they would not
be proud of their own children.
Queer youth are five times more likely to:
see you how you dream of seeing yourself.
To write something in your yearbook that will get you
through the next decade. To spot a stranger crying
and ask if there's anything they can do to help.
Five times more likely to:
need us to do the same.